Woah...Woah...Woah, Feelings

“How are you feeling?”

...is a phrase used at least once in most psychodynamic therapies, but despite its popularity this question is often met without much feeling.  For most people who are beginning the therapeutic process and beyond, feelings can be extremely difficult to locate and identify. In fact, most people describe feelings as thoughts and actions.  When I ask a client the “feeling” question, on average, the answer is similar to; “I feel that my partner is distant” or “I feel I can’t get up in the morning”.  Quickly, my job is to help the client understand what feelings are, feel them and be able to communicate them.

Those dreaded feelings.  They are an essential feature of healthy communication not only between people but, initially between our mind and body, our very self!

What is a feeling?

According to Michael E. Metz, Ph.D.: “At their base, feelings are biochemical energies in your body in response to various situations, influenced by your past experiences and current thoughts.”  My simple answer is; feelings are vibrations or energies within our bodies that form to inform us how we relate with the external environment. Understand those forces and we understand ourselves in relational ways.

For example: suppose, on my way to work via the subway, I walk to the train, enter the subway car and sit down in the corner seat. As I wait for the train to begin moving I hear a couple talking very loudly a few seats down. I turn to them and say loudly “Shut-up! Can’t I even have some peace and quiet on my way to work?” Woah! Where did this impulse come from? It seems, from this reaction, I am a person quick to anger and unable to contain it.  Let’s look back on the morning’s events more closely to understand what prompted my outburst. I left the house on time but forgot the keys to the office, so I had to walk back to get them. This made me 15 minutes late and a bit put out. “Ugh, what an idiot I can be!” I exclaimed. Then I stepped into what smelled like dog excrement. I had just bought new shoes and well, that wasn’t pretty. As I cleaned my shoe, people in the neighborhood walked by and laughed at my misfortune. “Ha, ha, very funny.” Feeling aggravated, I went back into the house to wash my hands, making me another 20 minutes late. Finally, I made my way to the subway. As I entered the station an outpouring of people made their way through the turn-styles blocking my entrance to a train that was just about to leave. Having had no way of making that train I waited until there was a turn-style free, thinking, ‘Geez, I am sick of dealing with everybody!’ and walked to the train.  Once on the train I had to wait 5 minutes for it to move which made me even later, then, the loud couple.

If I had stopped to recognize my feelings through each event I might have understood myself better and been able, not only to adjust my thoughts and actions but also support myself through a difficult morning. Each event had a quality or feeling to the interaction that affected me. For instance, when I forgot the keys I was critical calling myself “an idiot” for forgetting.

~Hmm, that criticalness seems like anger, anger toward myself.

Okay, next I stepped in …well, in what we all step in in NYC. Doggie-doo. Not only is that gross but it is also embarrassing, especially when people see it. To add to this the people laughed and I felt more aggravated.

~So, we have angry, aggravation and embarrassment or even possibly humiliated.

Next, 20 minutes late I had to wait for people to come out of the train, blocking me from reaching a train about to leave which would at least have gotten me to work a bit sooner. Then, I had to wait for the train to even move with loud neighbors. You might say I was just about fed up and this is true, but not a feeling. If I had told my therapist that, they might agree but hopefully, try to help me to dig a bit deeper to get to a real feeling.

We could start with anger. Yes, I was by that time extremely angry, but that’s not it completely. Knowing we are angry is a good start but it doesn’t tell us that much about ourselves. “Why so angry?” is a better question. Get to the ‘why’ and we can really start to affect our actions and behaviors, know ourselves and take better care too.

In the next installment we will begin to understand 'Primary Feelings' and how they are the key to unlocking actions and behaviors.